confession

 

After a few days of having a tantrum, something about self sabotage. Inability to follow up on things that I say I wanna do. It's a new day and I'm ready to start over. Something that I would do frequently and I understand how. I don't know why though. I know how to start over. I don't know why I have to why I keep stopping. Just what I'm getting things together. This seemed to have started the day that the blog book came, and it was not right, and I realized that I had not navigated. Their new order page. This is the 10th book that I've ordered. Nine of them were fine. This one came back just a disaster. And I don't know why and so far I haven't been willing to go and start over, but I will do it because I want that 10th book. And then I will not do it again. I'll be through with blog books. Tends enough. Whether this writing here will ever become a book or not is moot.

 

I try to follow the directions in K Adams book and it isn't helping me. So far, none of the prompts have felt appropriate to what what I'm gonna do, which is break out of the COVID trance and make more of my time. I blame the weather. I blame my knee. I blame my headache. I blame everything. And yet the hours go by with nothing to show for them except more TV, more TV, and then more TV. I'm sure I'm not gonna get to the pearly gates and say I wished I'd spend more time watching TV. I haven't been reading, I haven't been doing crossword puzzles. I haven't investigated more of this. Word pro program. I really wanna know more about it. I wanna know where that was. One about correcting your English, making sure that it slipped literate. One thing that triggered. Was a visit from Ellen. Ellen is so negative and so smiley about looking for things to grump about that when she leaves, I feel drained. And not only that, the other night I came up with an anxiety attack. After she left, I had an ounce of my. Japanese whiskey. But it wasn't enough to erase the trouble that she causes my psyche. I actually had to ask her to leave because I was so weary from just fending off her negativity. Why do I let her do that? I'm gonna have to just say, you know, I like you a lot. I've known you forever. And you're not good for my mental health. We had little problem yesterday with Juju. We left her in the House with Jake and I thought the back door was open, but it wasn't. And when we came home from the store, she had chewed her way through the door jamb, which hurts her, hurts the house, hurts our hearts because we allowed her to hurt herself like that. I feel that I left that door open, but it was closed, so whether there was a draft and it closed itself, or if I didn't, just didn't pay attention, I don't know. But I took responsibility for her bad day. She's such a sweet thing and I love her so much. I hate to think that I did something that caused her to feel so, so bad. Now how can I fix today? What can I do in a rainy, cold day? With no nothing on the calendar. I could call somebody. I could look at my contacts list and send somebody a text message just saying hello. I could put on my big coat and go out for a walk, even in just rain is just water after all, and I get wet on purpose quite often. I don't know. I wish I could cheer myself on some days. It's just easier to just fall into the comfort rut and stay there. And then at the end of the day, I don't feel well. I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm waiting for some huge insight that will push me over into what I say I wanna do. I have these ideas about how I wanna live my life and the nearest little thing can drop me right off from that. Oh, you mean I'm human? Oh yes. I am human. But that humans can change, they can pick up themselves and move on. They don't have to stay in a rut. They don't have to stay where it's comfortable so they don't have to think. well that's all i can say today thank you listening